self Compassion
HOW THE SILVER RULE CAN SET YOU FREE
Most of us have been taught the Golden Rule. The first time we hear it is usually when we’ve mistreated (or been mistreated by) a sibling or classmate. After the situation, an adult will look at us and say, ‘Treat others the way that you want to be treated.’
What they are really saying is; be kind, be respectful, care about others because you want to be treated the same way.
The Golden Rule appears in some of the earliest human teachings. This concept is most famously stated in the bible (Matthew 7:12) but there are stories and writings from Ancient India, Greece, China and Egypt (2000+ BCE) that speak to the idea of treating other people in a good way, and in return, they will treat you in the same good way.
Reciprocity (mutually benefiting by treating each other well) is a foundation of our success as humans. We are far more likely to build, grow, learn, and survive when we work together than when we work independently.
From the time we are young, we are told how to treat others, and with so much attention given to how we treat everyone else, we forget about the most important person we have a relationship with - ourselves.
We are never taught how to show ourselves love, forgiveness, patience, or compassion, but we spend more time with ourselves than anyone we’ve tried to treat a certain way.
This is where the Silver Rule comes in. If the Golden Rule is ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’ then the Silver Rule is
‘treat yourself the way that you would treat others’.
This perspective can switch our thinking from judgmental to compassionate because we are always harder on ourselves than others. By thinking of ourselves as a person that we have a relationship with, like a friend or family member, we quickly change the automatic judgment that we have of who we are, what we did or what we should do. This switch from judgmental to compassionate can rid us of shame and guilt and help us get unstuck.
How to use the Silver Rule
For shame and guilt.
Treat yourself the way that you would treat others.
What would you say to your family member if they had the same experience?
What would you think of that person? What would you think of their intentions?
Would you forgive someone for doing the same thing? If so, why can’t you forgive yourself?
For fear, anger, sadness, anxiety or depression.
Treat yourself the way that you would treat others.
Listen to yourself like you would listen to a friend to understand what they are angry, sad or worried about.
Why do you think this bothers your friend? Is it reasonable?
What advice would you give your friend?
What considerations should your friend be aware of that might help them with their next steps?
Questions like these and the perspective of talking to someone shift ‘one-way’ conversation into ‘two-way’, which disrupts pattern thinking, slows down our thought process, creates room for a response, and can stop spinning or spiraling in our thoughts.
When asking these questions, visualize the specific person that you are talking to and pretend that you are talking directly to them. Then pay attention to what you are saying. I bet it’s different than what you say to yourself.
People go to you with their problems because you listen to them with patience and compassion. You care for them and try your best to help. The gift you give is not just for other people. You deserve it too.
You give great advice. Time to start taking it.